Saturday, April 9, 2011

6 months *to the day*

i feel like such a milestone should be marked with words that are moving and memorable.

(or maybe i'll just use as many "m" words as i can think of to mark milo's 6-months here on earth? movie! mandarin! mazeltov! meh, any "m" words from here on out may not be merely coincidental, but were not chosen solely for their starting letter; i just like alliteration.)

anyhow, i thought about writing on how fast it's gone by, but that's an overstatement, and an obvious one at that.

i thought about highlighting new things he's doing, but today hasn't really brought on any new tricks. (in the past week, he seems to be waking up again more frequently, though i can't figure out why, because he had been sleeping relatively well. i wouldn't consider this something to be excited about.)

i thought about gushing over all the sweet little things i love about him, and there are so many, though probably not so much because they are there, but because i'm his mother, so of course i'm going to find a million little things to love about him.

but really, all i can think of on this day is that i'm tired from not sleeping well - granted, not entirely his fault. though he did wake up three or four times last night, he went back to sleep on his own within a minute or two each time. more-so my lethargy, i think, has to do with stressful dreams and an hour or two where i couldn't fall back to sleep...

plus this gray rainy weather isn't very inspiring.

so i'm tired and feeling unmotivated, and the house needs cleaning. and the clean dishes need to be put away so the dirty dishes can be loaded, and ben's at work, so this saturday doesn't exactly feel like a "day off" to me either; i feel like i should be working just as hard. and there are bills and such that need to be sent out and paid come monday. and errands to run.

and all the while there are still so many thoughts that run around in my head that i wish i had the answers to...

will ben and i ever find a house, which we can afford on his salary alone, in this town, that is in livable condition? or are we not able to find anything because we aren't meant to be in this town for long? and if that's the case, then where are we going next? and when? and will we always be moving? and how long will it be before we decide that we're ready for child number 2? will we still be renting then? could we realistically fit two children in this cozy little home? should we adopt? and what about the house we still own in red wing? (and is mine the only brain that goes on forever like this? because sometimes it sure does feel like it...)

he's 6 months old, and my mind gets caught up in all this petty stuff that in the long run of our lives won't really matter.

i want to remember how milo laughs so hard when ben turns him on his side and playfully growls while munching on his ribs. i want to remember how milo's eyes get wide and almost paranoid looking when he first wakes up from a nap and he's not in his crib (or we've just pulled him out of his crib, and he's not sure of what's going on). i want to remember how chunky - excuse me, "solid" just like his daddy was as a baby ;P - that his little legs are. i want to remember the bird fuzz that is his blond hair. i want to remember how he rubs his eyes the same way i did (and still do) when feeling sleepy. i want to remember how he cuddles into me when he's tired, the variously-pitched mumbles, sighs and babbles he makes through the day, how excited and contented he is to be in his jumper...

perhaps being a mother, these are the things i'll never forget.

and yet i wonder, because i still can't stop my mind from thinking of all the things i should be doing, or doing better - the housework, introducing milo to rice cereal more consistently, catching up on quacksie and hoots pictures... i'm still too caught up with all the other stuff.

and while it's draining, it seems fitting.

this is what it seems motherhood is all about: always going, never gone. (until i'm 6 feet under, that is, which, God willing, is a long way off from now...) but really, from all the mothers i know and watch and talk to, it seems the work is never finished. we're always mothers. and then someday, grandmothers?!?

so 6 months have gone by, and what have i learned?

being a mom is stressful, because all i want to do is keep him safe and raise him right, and i feel like all moms struggle with this mother-cub attitude, and yet no one seems to be able to offer a tangible solution other than having more kids...

also, in principle, i'm realizing more and more that i need to give myself grace. (others - and especially ben - have been telling me this from the get-go - thanks, ben, for being such a supportive, encouraging and understanding husband! - but man is it a hard thing to do - especially when the job is raising a child.)

and i think part of it may be that i need to play more and work less - as in, instead of viewing my time with milo as "educational" or a means to helping him develop properly, i need to meet his needs (has he been fed? yes. does his diaper need changing? ben, your turn!) and then simply enjoy my time with him.

again, this is all in principle. i'm guessing these revelations won't sink in until he's 18. or having children of his own. or maybe never?

well, i guess that's enough rambling for one post. miraculously, milo's still napping. i suppose i should use these quiet moments effectively and get something done before ben gets home.

***happy 6 months my little man! even though it's a lot of work to have a kid, you're totally worth it, and we love you oodles!***

No comments:

Post a Comment