don't worry, be happy!

oh hallelujah! little baby mushroom is doing just splendidly!!!

we saw the heartbeat, we saw movement, we saw a face and ears and nose and arms and legs, hands and fingers (feet and toes kept moving out of the view-finder-screen-thingy). it was amazing!

and i have to say, this was even MORE exciting than the first time we got to meet our little baby-in-progress. before, baby looked more like a pinto bean than a baby, and there was no movement. today, baby moved an arm up so we couldn't see his/her face (must be camera shy), and then was possibly sucking a thumb, and the fact that baby mushroom no longer resembled a pinto bean, but an actual little baby. oh glory, all my fears just melted away.

here's a picture of the thumb-sucking, and a video clip of the heart beat:

baby is facing left, and obviously it's 3D, which is pretty cool, because now you can see details like a little ear, fingers, an eye, a nose, a cheek, and a knobby little knee and leg at the bottom left corner. the long stripedy-looking thing is the umbilical cord.

(hint: if you click on the picture, it will open up a bigger version.)

here, baby is located with the head in the upper left, and directly facing the "camera." the flickering you see? (it's not a very long clip, only a few seconds, so you may have to watch it a few times before you catch it) that's the heartbeat! :)

feeling anxious...

when i went in at 1:10 for my 1:15 appointment today, i was told that my dr. has been held up in surgery, and that they had to move my appointment. so now i'm anxiously awaiting for 3:30 to finally get here so i can see little baby mushroom and know that everything is okay.

honestly, i have no good reason to be worried. but on the chat forums at bump.com, i see so many stories of miscarriages, and i hear of "silent miscarriages" - where there are no symptoms, and even though i know that on the grand scale of all the women who get pregnant, that miscarriages are uncommon, and silent miscarriages are extremely rare (or so i've heard), i still can't help but worry... i figure once i'm out of the first trimester, i'll be able to relax a little more, knowing that my chances of miscarrying will have significantly dropped, and once i can actually feel the baby move, i'm sure i'll be so much more relieved.

i almost wish i had an at home ultrasound machine so i could just check everyday and make sure that everything is safe and sound.

i know there are doppler machines i can get to hear the baby's heartbeat, but those can get expensive, and they still can't pick up a heartbeat early on in the pregnancy.

and the closer it gets to 3:30, the more anxious i get.... what if something has gone wrong? would i be able to cope? would i blame myself? would this mean it'll be more difficult to conceive the next time around?

i don't know if i'm just getting in good practice at the worrying-mother stereotype, or what, but ultimately, i wish i could just let these worries go and trust that no matter what happens, God knows what He's doing...

it's such a weird dichotomy to be a part of. on the one hand, i have almost total control of which foods, drinks, chemicals, vitamins, etc. that i decided whether or not to expose to my unborn child. but on the other hand, i have no control over the physical make-up of this child and the genetic factors that could cause a miscarriage or allow me to have a completely healthy pregnancy, birth, and child... and i'm not sure how to make peace between the two, especially if i do everything right, but it all goes wrong in the end.

i knew parenting would be difficult, but i didn't think it would start so soon. :\

pukey-ville :(

(my apologies for the possible tmi)

last night ben and i decided to join some friends to go see "how to train you dragon" (which i have to admit, i was pleasantly surprised to at how much i enjoyed it, and how good it was), and of course i got the medium popcorn and white cheddar seasoning. (that's one thing i love about the movie theater here - they have white cheddar, parmesan garlic, ranch, and another seasoning i can't remember that you can pour over your popcorn. SO good!)

well it must have been too much oil or too hard on my stomach or something, because baby mushroom/my digestive system was having none of it.

i'm 11 weeks along, and not one bit of "morning" sickness. but by 2AM, a stupid bucket of popcorn does me in. i hate throwing up in general, but i'm now convinced that popcorn has got to be the absolute worst when it comes to "losing your lunch."

thankfully, though, it was just the popcorn and not a late onset of morning sickness. i'd really prefer not to ever puke again, if at all possible.

all that grossness said and done, baby is the size of a lime this week (a small lime - only 1.6 inches and a quarter of an ounce).

tomorrow at 1:15 pm is my next checkup... i would assume they'll do another ultrasound, in fact i'm hoping and praying that they do, and that everything is still normal and how it should be. with not having any morning sickness (again, still grateful for it, but because of that...) i still don't really "feel" pregnant, and it's easy to start worrying that the baby will have stopped developing, or that something terrible could have gone wrong. my dear friend who just had a baby this past september assured me that i would know if something was wrong, and i try to remind myself that everything is probably just fine, but i know i'll still feel so much better after i see it for myself on the ultrasound.

things are coming together though... lots to get done this week, and we're anxious to be on the road come friday. only 6 days till easter! :)

the final countdown! (well... kinda....)

just one week from today, and the whole world will know!

well, all of family, friends, and facebook, that is.

it'll be so nice to not have to try and hide it any more, or come up with "excuses," or try to unsuspiciously walk slowly past the baby aisle at walmart without ben pulling me along. (he won't let me just stand and gawk at all the cute baby clothes because he knows we're in a small town, and worries that people would put two and two together, and that would be the end of us keeping it a secret.)

i bet this week will go by fast... hallelujah! :)

naptime

i just woke up from another afternoon nap, and getting out of bed feels near impossible...

when i get home from work in the afternoon, the bed becomes a siren, calling me to crash in her soft billowy waves of cotton and cushion. and i figure, hey, why not? i'm pregnant, i probably need a nap.

but then i wake up, and i feel so groggy. last night i had the hardest time falling asleep - i'm sure part of it may be the fault of a wendy's frosty that ben and i shared last night. but i don't doubt that my hour long nap that i didn't get up from till 5:30-ish probably didn't help matters either.

today i got off work earlier, though, since i started at 6 am, so i figured a nap at 1:30 or so wouldn't be too dangerous...

oh glory. maybe i just need some chocolate? that will surely get me out of bed! :D

crazy dreams

i would have titled that "crazy pregnancy dreams," but i've had crazy dreams for as long as i can remember, so i don't think it'd be fair to blame these current ones on baby mushroom.

the first one, i was at ron of japan's (a japanese hibachi-grill style steakhouse located in chicago, one of my family's favorites, and a tradition for birthdays), and we were getting our food, but they didn't serve us the soup or salad that customarily comes with a meal. okay, no biggie. but then they didn't serve the shrimp appetizer that also comes with almost every meal. this stuff is like gold for your tastebuds. and the egg sauce that they put on top? i'm sure there's something illegal in it, because it's so frikkin addicting. but none of it. who knows when i'll actually get to go to ron's in real life... probably sometime after the baby is born when i hope to visit both minnesota and chicago so family and friends can meet the precious little bundle of poop and giggles. but to dream about it, and not even get my favorite part of going to ron's? pure torture.

my other crazy dream happened during naptime today. i dreamt that a friend's mom sent me an email asking me if i wanted to travel the world with her and drink green wine. i wasn't sure, so i decided to go visit ben at work to discuss it with him. when i got there and told him, he informed me that the email was just a ploy to get me to come to the paint store, because they had this new green wine oil (it was basically the consistency of grease paint, only green instead of black) that he needed my help demonstrating for the group of people they had in the store. it was at this point that i noticed ben only had a towel on, and i had a rag covered in the green wine oil in my hand, and so i wiped his entire (and i mean entire) backside - from shoulder to buttock on the right side with the green goop, while he explained the health benefits of rubbing green wine oil into your skin to the people all gathered around and watching.

my mom thought it was hilarious.

nothing new... for now at least.

i had another "fib" moment at work today. a friend i work with was commenting on my jeans and asked where i got them. "motherhood maternity" might have been a little obvious. and while i've stated before how gap's jeans and pants are generally the only ones that fit me (for full length styles, at least), i didn't want to say that they were from the gap in case she was a gap fan like myself and knew their pants inside and out to know that they're not quite the same cut/style/wash/etc. as what the gap offers. i know, pregnancy paranoia has become my latest symptom.

so i made up some spiel about hitting up the sales at jc pennies when we were in billings.

oh i feel so guilty.

meanwhile, my latest food cravings have consisted mostly of protein - ground beef, eggs, chicken, black bean burritos - i can't seem to get enough of it.

also, ice cream and tortilla chips? amazing! (but i'll be honest, i first discovered that combo while working summer camp at PLCBC, which was waaaaayyyy before i got knocked up - so it must just be that it's another salty/sweet combo, which i love so much.)

crunchy snack food (ie - probably not the best for me junk, like chex mix, fritos, cheetos, popcorn, flavored pretzels, crunch n munch, and so on...)

and last but not least, chocolate, especially the chocolate i don't eat anymore (due to the highly infuriating fact that slavery is used for harvesting the cacao beans that are used in a great deal of the world's chocolate.) snickers, twix, midnight milky ways, crunch bars, hershey's chocolate almond bars, reese's peanut butter cups, buenos, all the easter candy currently available - like chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies! ....i have yet to hear anything encouraging from the companies who produce these chocolate products concerning the ethical treatment of the farmers who are harvesting their chocolate. so we've stocked up on lindt, which is a little pricier, but still so delicious. (they, along with godiva, and possibly nestle, and of course, anything certified "fair trade" or with a statement on it declaring their support of ethical practices/fairly traded/etc., are opposed to the use of slavery for their products.) and yet, even though i have chocolate available to me, it's still not a peanut/nougat/caramel gooey goodness drenched in chocolate.

i should stop while i'm ahead. it's spaghetti & biggest loser night here in the B. household, and i probably shouldn't continue going on about all the chocolate and salty deliciousness that i've been craving if i'm going to successfully refrain from stuffing my face and spoiling my dinner.

oh boy oh boy! (or girl?)

sorry if that was misleading. this has nothing to do with baby mushroom's gender (which, even if we did want to find that out - which we don't until baby's birth-day - it would be way too soon...), and everything to do with baby's nursery.

i have the day off tomorrow, and the plan is to go through enough boxes in the catch-all room so that we can clear out the nursery and ben can prime and paint it on sunday or monday. (he may or may not have to work monday, usually a day off for him, but his boss is out of town for a wedding, and if the weather goes stupid and gets all snowy on us, he might not make it back till monday.)

and the crib and changing table have already arrived, which means that once the nursery is painted, then we can start putting together and arranging the furniture.

we're planning on going with a light green color, we figure it's the most neutral, and ben doesn't like yellow - he says it's too girly. the plan is, if baby is a girl, i'll paint pictures of pink flowers on four or five square canvasses (i'm thinking about 10 inches tall/wide) that we'll hang in a row on the largest wall in the room. and if baby is a boy, i'll paint four or five pictures of fun bugs. or dinosaurs. or pirate things. or some other little boy thing yet to be determined. but probably bugs, because i think i could have fun with those. (not the creepy crawly ones, mind you. i'm thinking caterpillar, grasshopper, firefly, beetle, and an ant maybe? although i think ants seem a little boring, but i suppose i could make it work. i refuse to do spiders. they don't deserve to be dignified by getting their own painting in my child's room. they'll be lucky if they can escape the torturous clutches of the cat - who loves to tease and torment bugs before eating them - and are sighted by me first. i'll atleast give them a quick death. or scream for ben to come to my rescue and give them a quick death... depends on the size of the spider, really.)

anyhow - either way, i'm excited. obviously these paintings won't get done till after baby mushroom has arrived, but i'm okay with that. i'll probably buy the canvasses far in advance - maybe even during our trip to minnesota that we're leaving for in just two weeks?!?! (can you tell i'm excited for that one?) and i'd be willing to bet that i'll even hang the blank canvasses so i can arrange the furniture accordingly before baby arrives.

oh what fun this will be!

oopsie poopsie!

lately i've been getting addicted/wasting way too much time on "thebump," but more specifically, their chat forums, where people post questions/comments/concerns, and other people reply. the women can be catty, sarcastic, and sometimes even cruel (or at least that's how it seems in the "1st Trimester" board... in the "Due in October" board, the women seem to be much more understanding and sympathetic). people will post stupid questions like "i feel dizzy, does that mean i'm pregnant?" and others will post more serious issues that do get addressed accordingly. some posts are just fun or lighthearted, like "what are you craving today?" or "is everyone else this gassy?"... stuff like that.

but when it all comes down to it, none of it seems important or like i'm really connecting with anyone. sometimes i write a post, and people will respond, and it's fun to "interact" with other pregnant women... every once in awhile i'll respond to a post if i feel i have something helpful to add, or again, just feel like "interacting" (it's hard to view it as actual interaction when it's all online...)

but for the most part, i feel like i'm just getting caught up in soap operas for pregnant women. there's so much drama, and yet it is so entertaining... i can easily waste hours reading over the things that people write.... but why?!?! there are so many better/more productive things i could be doing, and while it may be entertaining in the moment, i always end up feeling frustrated with myself when i look at the clock and see how late it's gotten, and realize i've accomplished nothing worthwhile in all that time.

i think i'm just anxious for everyone to know i'm pregnant, and to have pregnant friends that i can compare and commiserate with... not that i've had anything to commiserate really - still no morning sickness - holler!

okay, i suppose i should get going, find something to do, have something to show for my day once ben gets home.... :\

i frikkin LOVE our insurance!

i never thought i'd speak such words... but it's true.

the insurance that ben gets through sherwin williams (aetna is our provider) just sent me a free gift in the mail for signing up for their "beginning right" maternity program and taking the pregnancy risk survey before my 16th week.

it was pretty much a no brainer to sign up for the program, as doing so ups our insurance to cover 90% of our baby's costs (prenatal/delivery/post-partum/etc.) once we meet the deductible (as opposed to only 80%). and there's a cap for our out of pocket limit, so once that's reached, they take care of it all. (it's not that long ago that the insurance we had was obnoxiously difficult, and barely worth using. in fact i'm not sure if we even did ever use it... and even more recently that we had no insurance and relied entirely on the grace of God... i have full faith in God to take care of us, but oh glory, it's a great relief to have good insurance.)

and the free gift? the mayo clinic's guide to a healthy pregnancy! it even has that new book smell - oh i love it!

"sounds" "ultra" good to me!!! (tee-hee, get it?)

hi-yohhh!!!

so i've finally gotten around to scanning in the pictures they gave us from baby mushroom's very first photo shoot!

ben's out shooting... something? bow and arrow style with his boss, and i got bored sitting here alone on a sunday evening, so it seemed the perfect opportunity to get the scanner going on our printer/scanner/copier (which is still going strong after an original purchase date of over 6 years ago - way to go, HP!)

(sidenote on ben "hunting" today - i think they're only target shooting? hence the quotes. anyhow: i made him promise me that he wouldn't get hurt in some hunting accident, telling them that helga and i would be very upset. oh yeah, and in a very brief conversation with ben this afternoon - a result from him rubbing my belly, me jokingly asking if he could feel the baby yet, and him responding, "well i can feel something hard in there," and my reply of, "yeah, that's my uterus" - i decided to name my uterus "helga" which just felt fitting for the name of this feminine ultra-protector of our little mushroom. and anyhow, i told him that if anything happened to him, i would be stressed out and unhappy, and that could gravely affect the health of our growing baby, and thus helga and i would both be very upset. i think i set him straight; he'll be coming home any minute now, i'm sure.)

but on to the fun stuff!!! here's pictures of baby mushroom at the tender age of 7 weeks and 3 days (or possibly only 7 weeks if we're gonna go with measurement... but who knows? maybe baby mushroom didn't get all the giant genes running around in mine and ben's dna?)

this is the first picture they took - on the left is the yolk sac. it's pretty much the baby's powerpack at this point, and eventually it just dissolves away i guess? once baby is able to receive everything it needs from the placenta? or something like that. i can't really remember. i'm not a baby scientist. and on the right is baby! even the nurses agreed by the end of the whole baby-look-see that little mushroom's head is probably at the top of the longer blob on the right. perhaps i shouldn't refer to my child as a blob, but really, can you come up with a better descriptor for that shape? 'cause i can't. :P

i think this is a view from the opposite angle - i don't want to say "backside" because, really, we could have been looking at baby's adorable little butt in the first one, but everything's so tiny and undefined (and to be quite honest, i'm not sure that a tushy has even been formed at this point...)

and this is probably the best picture we have of baby mushroom. ben thinks - and i agree - that the baby is on the right, yolk sac is a little bit behind and on the bottom left of baby, head is at the top, and possible spinal column on the right? the nurses wouldn't confirm a spinal column (again, too soon? i've no idea, so ultimately, i'm trusting their brains on this one), but they did say that they could identify the brain area at the top.

so there ya have it! our very first baby pictures! :)

phew!!!!

so i decided i would tell my boss today about baby and the search for a new job to help pay off debt. i've been super nervous about this having heard many not so nice rumors about her, and i had originally planned to wait it out a little longer. but after talking to a coworker/friend whom i trust, i was told that our boss is a lot more understanding than people give her credit for, and that she would probably really appreciate knowing this in advance rather than me just giving her two weeks' notice upon getting another job. and from personal experience, i'd also been noticing that my boss isn't the monster that some people would like to make her out to be. in fact, she's quite the opposite. i haven't really had any problems with her, and when i was sick, she even offered to bring me medicine if i needed it. that really meant a lot to me.

anyhow, so i took the plunge today and after a quick shift where i filled in to help with the extra business coming in from the st. patty's day parade, i asked her if she had time to talk.

she was in a good mood, and i wanted to tell her before i started applying for any other jobs (i did also apply for a para-ed, but i still haven't heard anything back from them, and it would only last for 2 more months before summer hit and school's out, so i'm not sure that would have been ideal, anyhow), so it really seemed like the best time to tell her. i started with the good news - yay! i'm pregnant! woohoo! (probably not as enthusiastic, though, as i was still so nervous and sweating like a banshee - although apparently i've gotten that phrase wrong, as banshees don't sweat, they scream. still, i'm going with it. i was sweating like a banshee.)

and then went into how i felt i needed to be looking for other employment, as we have credit card debt to pay down and savings to build up and a baby to prepare for. she asked what i was looking for, and i told her that the first thing i've seen so far is a teller position at the bank.

we talked about it for awhile, and she made some really good points: i wouldn't be making anymore at a bank than at the coffeeshop, i'd still be on my feet all day, and at least at the coffeshop there are tips and i get to do what i love.

and then she said the magic words, "i can give you full time if that's what you want. i just didn't think you wanted that many hours, so i've been holding you back."

and after talking with her and with ben, i think we've come to the conclusion that it really does make the most sense to stay at the coffeeshop. she reassured me that the summer tourist season really isn't as bad as i'm worried it will be (i brought up that concern, too), that really it's just steady all the time, but there's always at least two people on, and the tips are even better during the summer.

so after all that nervous sweating, i'm actually quite excited. i have a boss who knows that i'm pregnant and is totally understanding of the fact that every once in awhile i will need to take a 5 minute break and give my feet a rest, who's happy to give me the time off around easter so we can go to minnesota to visit family and share the big news with those who don't know yet, and who's willing to work with me so i can make the money we need to pay off bills and hopefully save enough that by the time october rolls around, i can focus on staying home with the baby and not have to worry about working (God willing).

and concerning other possible jobs, now i don't have to worry about feeling super guilty and dishonest applying for another job under the pretense that i'm not pregnant (since it's illegal to ask and i hadn't planned on sharing such information in any interviews), only to reveal less than a month later - only 3 weeks till easter, folks! :D and we live in a small town, so once it hits facebook and it's out in the open then anyone who knows me will know, and possibly even those who don't know me? i'm still figuring out how the small town gossip mill works - that come october 16th-ish, i'd be leaving. that aspect really made me uncomfortable when it came to applying for another job, but i tried to let it go with the rationale that it's a tough economy, and ya gotta do what ya gotta do. well now i don't even have to worry about it!

so that's a huge relief, and a weight off my shoulders. my boss is great, i really do love what i do and who i work with, and i now have a full-time job. hallelujah! :)

"you're so vain..." (not baby related, but then again, maybe it is?)

okay, so this is totally stupid, i know, but it's still a little bit frustrating, so i'm gonna vent anyway. my new license came in the mail today. when we moved to wyoming and i got my license, i was pretty happy with the picture. (i'll admit it, i can be a little vain sometimes, or maybe it's just poor body image? regardless, i like to look good when i have the time & energy, but especially in documented photos that get pulled out often for the various things that require a photo id.) so when we moved across town, and i went in to update my license, i was told i could either just update it in the system, which was free, but i wouldn't get a new license, just a slip of paper and it would be on police file, or i could pay $15 to get a new license with my correct address on it. well, for some reason the whole slip of paper idea just didn't sit right with me, so i opted to get a whole new license - which then required me to fill out an application, take the eye exam, and retake my picture. none of which i would have had to do had i just gone with the slip of paper. none of which they told me until after i had jumped through all their new license hoops.

i wasn't prepared to get my picture taken. my hair was a mess, i was wearing comfy clothes (ie, probably pajama pants and a sweatshirt, to be completely honest - it was, afterall, my day off that i went in), and i rarely wear makeup anymore unless i have a reason to - like getting my picture taken at the dmv.

but while i can admit here in "public privacy"* that i may be a little bit vain from time to time (*i know friends/family are reading this, but anyone else who may have stumbled here probably doesn't know me, so i feel free to talk openly in the anonymity), i certainly don't want to come off that way. while i am probably too concerned with my own appearance, i also have conflicting views that appearance is overrated. more women should be seeking the inner beauty that comes from gracious living and a heart after God's own, and accept themselves as God created them. more men should appreciate said inner beauty, and not ogle superficial outer beauty which is often fake and air brushed, or at the very least, store bought and still not all-natural.

so anyhow, not wanting to come off as vain, i agree to take the picture, and when they let me look at it, i can see that it's not the best picture i've ever taken (at least i'm not mid-snarling-sneeze, but at least that would have been funny), and yet i'm too embarrassed to ask for a retake.

i figured, maybe the thumbnail version on my license won't look so bad. but the stupid thing came in the mail today, and sure enough, staring back at me was a picture of someone who looked like she's in her 40's, not mid-twenty, and she probably never leaves the house, and was probably sick with the flu when this photo was taken. and i'll bet she even has lice and smells funny.

can you tell i've really been struggling with body image lately?

i blame pregnancy hormones and pregnancy bloat and pregnancy-can't-do-hardcore-workouts-and-eat-less-to-take-care-of-extra-pounds-that-i-put-on-pre-pregnancy. and more-so, i blame the stupid dmv for making me retake a perfectly good picture when my "old" picture is less than 5 months old, just because of new stupid policies.

oh glory, what a day.

(but don't worry, little mushroom, i still love you!)

oh phoeey

the two things i've been craving all morning (not necessarily together, just one or the other):

eggs over easy with a side of toast (oh how i love those runny eggs!)

• on the chat forum at bump.com, most replies i've gotten to my egg question is no runny what-so-ever, but several have said things along the lines of: "i have them over medium like always! i can't eat them any other way and it's one of the few things that i can stomach that has protein in it," or "i've had a few sunny side up eggs at home -- i just cooked them a little more than i normally do," and "i think ideally, if you're having eggs that are less than fully cooked, they're supposed to be pasteurized eggs. that said, i've been guilty of not following this rule," and aren't all eggs pasteurized these days? if mine are, i might just give in... and then there's this last one, "i've just heard they have to be warmed through, which will kill the salmonella. i don't do fried eggs. but i do like over easy..." so really, it should be fine... but we'll see how far my paranoia gets me :\
• i also remember reading an article in some health-nut magazine that the hype over raw/undercooked eggs is highly overrated, and that really the risk of getting salmonella is so rare, that they're fine to eat, and then went on to list the health benefits of raw/undercooked eggs. (i'm sure momma Z still wouldn't approve, but for when i'm not pregnant, i'm more than happy to believe it.)

or a tuna melt.

• also considered off limits to what i'm finding online. (although a very dear friend said that canned tuna is okay, and really, you have to make your own rules... i went to her first, because i know she's a little more relaxed than i am, and her baby is happy and healthy and beautiful! and really, i just wanted the "go ahead" to eat tuna. but then pregnancy induced paranoia set in...)
• this article claims it's okay... while this article says no, and while the first is from WikiAnswers, so i think just about anyone can reply? the second is 4 years old... so maybe new data suggests otherwise?
• and it's not like i'm craving tuna every day. i think just one tuna melt and i'd be happy.

so all in all, i haven't eaten yet today (except for a banana before the gym) because i've been trying to find out whether or not i can eat what i'm craving or if i have to go and find something else that will suffice...

oh, and next week, baby mushroom will be the size of a green olive!

woof, all this talk of food, i need to eat - sayonara folks!

update: my eggs aren't pasteurized and even though ben says we have a can of tuna somewhere, there's none to be found. harumph. i'm taking it as a sign that it wasn't meant to be. ben says i shouldn't worry about this stuff as much as i do, but i can't help it. i'd hate for a choice i made - knowing full well of possible risks - to end up being the reason my baby gets only 6 fingers instead of 10... and while i realize that this kind of extreme thinking is highly irrational, even for a pregnant woman, it's still the kind of stuff i think about. (okay, maybe not lack or surplus of fingers and toes, but developmental issues, psychological issues, and so on.)

anyhow, i finally decided on mac 'n cheese for lunch. it may not be the healthiest, but it was the only other item in our pantry that was appealing, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. i'll try not to eat the whole box, but i make no promises :P

little white lies?

only 3.5 weeks till easter, till we're with family in minnesota, till we can tell everybody and anybody the big news...

and in the meantime, it's all i can do to keep my own lips sealed.

i hate lying, and if it all possible, i just won't do it. but i've been finding myself in situations where i can't tell the flat-out truth. i can't think of specific examples off the top of my head, but things have come up several times where the obvious reason behind the "no" is that i'm pregnant. so deli meat is questionable, certain teas are off limits, and my behavior - as i've mentioned before - is erratic at best... and that's just to name a few. and so i find myself simply saying "no thank you" or something to that effect, and while that may not be a lie in and of itself, i still fill dishonest, because if probed further, i say things like "caffeine makes me too jittery, so i've stopped drinking it."

ah, that's it! that's the most recent predicament in which i found myself. at work the other day, i was elated to discover that we have a decaf spiced chai, but as my coworker noticed me making the decaf over the regular, she asked "so why are you so against caffeine?" and what i've been telling people, which isn't at all true, is that "it makes me too jittery, so i've stopped drinking it." caffeine doesn't make me jittery - at least not in the small quantities which i used to drink it. but while i've read it's okay to have some caffeine, i'd just as soon not expose baby mushroom to the possible harmful side effects that go with it, so for now "caffeine makes me jittery," and i feel so guilty and so dishonest every time i say it.

but while i'm at it - other things i've had to cut out: apparently the fumes from nail polish aren't safe, either - well, some brands are taking out the ingredients that aren't so popular, like formaldehyde (i had no idea some nail polishes even had that in there to begin with!) but i looked at the ones i had, and none of them were okay to use. the dilemma at hand - a friend had invited me to a girls' night in party to watch the oscar awards and get dressed up and all that fun stuff like giggling and eating delicious food that happens when you get a bunch of girls together. and in the excitement of getting dressed up, i really wanted to paint my nails. so what did i do? i found the facemask ben bought for me when we were scraping lead paint back at the house in red wing (not just one of those white little cover things - this was the kind that had a rubber mask to suction over your face and the round filters on the side) and i painted my nails, fume-free!

ben found it funny. i found it highly resourceful!

uffda!

since we moved to the new address, we haven't had internet. and as i mentioned a few posts ago, i got hit with a headcold on monday... which - aside from the ruptured ear drum sinus infection i had back in 2006 - this is probably one of the worst head colds i've had in a long time....

so i got someone to cover my thursday shift, since i still wasn't feeling better, and on friday, i ended up visiting the clinic. i can't say that the doctor who treated me had the best bedside manners, but once my hormonal rollercoaster kicked into gear and i started bawling, she finally gave me some slack. (i'll admit, i probably seemed like a total nutcase, freaking out over a headcold, but - and my apologies if this is a bit gross - i've been coughing up very "colorful" phlegm for about 5 days, and just when this cold seemed to be getting better, i would wake up the next morning feeling worse. hence my trip to the clinic. and this being my first pregnancy, i wasn't exactly sure how headcolds affected baby mushroom, or how the effects of baby mushroom might be affecting my head cold....) anyhow, so she finally agreed that i should stay home and rest for a couple of days, which means the past three days i've been mostly sleeping, drinking all the fluids that i could, and sleeping some more.

so i haven't been to the library to check up on the internet, and i feel so out of it - mentally, physically, you name it.

and even though i am feeling better, i'm still so very fatigued.

but as it turns out, according to the bump:

Your Pregnancy: Week 8

Playing host to an ever-growing embryo does take a toll. Heavy fatigue may be setting in, along with abdominal cramping and tender breasts. Treat yourself gently, and it doesn't hurt to remind your partner to do the same. Though it's not showing yet, you're growing a little person in there!

and baby mushroom is the size of a raspberry this week!

i also got ben to watch national geographic's "in the womb" with me - it's a fascinating look at how the baby develops in those 9 months of growth and creation.

(i had previously rented it from the library when ben was out of town for some work thing - this was while we were still trying, months before baby mushroom actually came into being. this time we rented it from netflix, and it finally arrived)

anyhow, i forgot that at the end they show the birth, and this woman, she's grunting and groaning, and i'm not looking, because quite honestly, the whole baby's-head-pushing-through-a-small-hole factor freaks me out. i think i'm getting better at dealing with the fact that i'll have to go through it (God-willing i don't need a c-section), but i still don't want to see it. so i've got my hands over my eyes, and all i can think of is, goodness, this woman sounds like a dying elephant. and i turned to ben and said, "ben, i don't want to sound like a dying elephant when i give birth."

ben laughed and said, "zoe, i will still love you, even if you sound like a dying elephant. do you want me to tell you that during labor?"

"why can't you tell me that i sound like a choir of angels?"

"because i'm no good at lying; i'd never be able to pull it off."

"okay, then. when the time comes, just tell me that you love me, and we'll ignore the dying elephant in the room."

"okay."

i guess that will have to do, but in the meantime, i think i'll start practicing my groans and grunts to make sure i don't sound like a dying elephant.

flutter flutter!

so yesterday ben and i went to our very first prenatal visit, including ultrasound!

with the fact that i still don't really feel different, aside from slight nausea every now and again, some fatigue here and there, and the extra tenderness in "the ladies" - i definitely worried that we'd get there, and in the ultrasound they'd find nothing, or that baby mushroom had stopped growing, or that something had gone horribly wrong...

well we got there, and i was able to maintain my excitement despite the worry. they had a huge fish tank filled with saltwater fish and live coral, which was pretty cool and kept ben entertained while i filled out a billion pages worth of paperwork. soon enough, we met with nurse dotty - she was super friendly, super helpful, and i really liked her - along with all the staff, really. so that was a relief from the get-go. (i'm not sure what i'd do if the staff/dr had turned out to be horrible and mean and nightmarish, seeing as dr. williams and dr. cruz are the only female ob/gyn's that our insurance covers, and as of octoberish? dr. cruz is not accepting new patients.)

anyhow, we finally get to the part i've been waiting for since we found out about little baby mushroom - since it was so early still, they did an internal ultrasound instead of one on top of the belly.

definitely felt a little awkward for my first time with these new people, but i'm grateful for the new technology (i'm guessing it would have been too difficult to see baby mushroom with the over-the-belly type of technology that is most commonly used for ultrasounds) - especially since the nurses said that this kind of technology wasn't even available 5 years ago. and i suppose i should get used to awkward, as i hear that pooping on the delivery table is totally "normal" (yikes!)

but sure enough, as the nurse moves the wand around to find baby mushroom, we see a large black bean shaped thing, and inside that bean shaped thing is a grey little pooch attached to a grey little bean, and within that grey little bean, a little flutter, a flicker from light to dark to light again, a heartbeat.

she said that everything was looking just fine. the baby measures at 8mm right now, and so she has little mushroom at 7 weeks exactly (yesterday), instead of the 7 weeks 3 days that we thought we were at. so it's possible dr. williams will move my due date to october 19th instead of october 16th... for sentimental reasons, i think i'll stick with the 16th until the dr. decides to confirm otherwise (the 16th is the same day ben and i were married on, albeit in june, and if on the 16th, our baby is due the same month and day that ben's grandpa on his dad's side passed away, and my cousin's wife is due in april on the same day our grandma on his dad's (my mom's) side passed away... which just seems pretty neat, if you ask me - a whole circle of life kinda thing.)

my next appointment is march 29th, and my mom just informed me that the crib and changer have already shipped, and i got a shirt and some screen printing paint to make a shirt so we can tell ben's family with a photo slideshow when we see them on easter.... and gee golly, these four and a half weeks cannot go by fast enough.

baby mushroom is finally sinking in. baby mushroom has a heartbeat. baby mushroom is still about the size of a blueberry. (apparently i was reading that chart wrong, oops.) baby mushroom is going to be here in 7 months and 13 days (give or take a few). i cannot wait to meet baby mushroom (and see if baby mushroom is a girl or a boy so we can name him or her and not have to refer to it as an it, and not have to call it baby mushroom for the rest of its life).

oh, AND! the maternity cords that i ordered from the gap came in yesterday, and they fit perfect (with plenty of stretch for room to grow), and i love them.... i've always loved cords. yesterday was a fantastic day. and i love being pregnant. and i can't wait to meet our little one who will probably grow up to be a giant with all those tall genes running through their dna.

:)

(ps - thanks everyone for your prayers, encouragement and excitement with us over our baby. it makes it so much more tangible to be able to share this with the people we know and love, and so much more exciting in every step of the way.)

turns out it's NEVER too soon! (once you're preggo, that is)

so ben and i are up in billings for a weekend getaway of kicks and giggles, and i'd like to say it's been life-changing, but that might be exaggerating a little too much, even for me. so let's just say it's been absolutely fantastically wonderful.

even though i didn't sleep very well in our hotel room last night (we were close to the lobby, and i'm finding i only sleep well every other night, and the night before i slept like a rock... at least i hope i get to sleep well at least every other night - that's only been a recent addition. usually i don't sleep well at all). and i woke up with a head cold that's left me foggier than a cheesy horror movie taking place in london. (i was already air-headed enough with the pregnancy brain, but add a headcold - and nothing i can take for it just to be safe for baby - and i find myself wondering if i should even be driving... luckily ben does most of that anyhow. i can only hope this clears up before i have to work on thursday.)

anyhow... so you may be wondering why i'd consider a weekend trip where i didn't sleep well and i have a head cold to be completely and totally fabulous. i promise you it's not just pregnancy brain logic.

i bought maternity jeans.

and oh, they're miraculous! (seriously? i may never buy a pair of regular pants again, they're just so comfortable and they fit so well... i'm almost in shock over it all. i was beginning to wonder if i'd ever be truly comfortable again outside of sweatpants and pajamas.)

and to be honest, i had no intentions of getting maternity pants (aside from the pair that i ordered from gap:maternity online because they were corduroys and on sale from $59.99 down to $19.99 - that's a steal for gap cords!). i figured it was too soon, and i'd have to wait till the mushroom bump had grown a little more - and whatever else plans to expand with it - hips, thighs, my honky-tonk badonka-donk? :P and right now, i'm pretty sure it's just bloating that's been causing all my pants to feel like a bear-trap , so i figured that the beband we picked up at target would be enough to hold me over until maternity jeans were an absolute necessity.

even just unbuttoning my khakis and putting on the beband over them (once we checked into the hotel) before heading out for lunch was a huge relief of comfortableness.

after we finished eating, i asked ben what he wanted to do next, and he offered to go check out the mall here and see what all they have. we got to talking about maternity stores, and i said that if there were any, i would like to take a peek just to see what's out there, and he was all for it.

so it turns out that the only maternity store at the mall (that we could find) was motherhood maternity, and i have to admit, while i was excited to finally be looking at maternity clothes (target's options were surprisingly limited, and their pants didn't come in tall sizes, so i was pretty much out of luck there - except for the beband), my expectations were low as far as what they carried and would it be long enough for me.

well the lady at the register was so completely helpful, and so enthusiastic and encouraging, i think ben was almost overwhelmed by her, and i was practically having a dance party picking out and trying on all the great finds. and they even had a sale going on. it was my lucky day.

so she gave me a pair of tall jeans to try on, and the fit beautifully - any self-conscious frustrations i had over how bloated i felt and how tight everything was fitting immediately melted away. but i then i began to worry - what happens when not only my belly has grown to be the size of a beach ball, but my thighs become tree trunks, the junk in my trunk has quadrupled in size, and my hips widen out to rival the grand canyon? (not that i honestly expect it to get that bad, but i'd like to be prepared, and i had no desire to get a pair of pants that would only last a few months before i had to get another pair of pregger pants, both pairs of which i wouldn't be wearing once baby mushroom arrives...)

well, little did i know i'd want to live in these jeans forever once she showed me the awesome little secret that is pregnancy jeans - she pinched the fabric at the seam by my hips, and pulled, and the entire side of my pant stretched out another 2 or 3 inches. or atleast that's what it seemed like.

turns out they make 'em super stretchy so that they grow as i grow. ha! take that pre-pregnancy jeans!

and then, not ONLY did i find jeans that i want to spend the rest of my life in, and i knew ben was okay with getting a few items, but i also know that we're on a pretty tight budget for the time being, and she kept handing me all these things to try on, and i kept getting more and more excited at how well everything fit now, in addition to how adorable it all looked with a bump (they had those padded bumps you can attach around your waist so you can see how well the clothes will fit a few months down the road. i almost didn't want to take that off either, but i know the real baby bump will be much more adorable than a lumpy stuffed fake baby bump. in fact that would just be creepy...)

and while i was showing off another cute shirt, ben gives me a limit, and tells me to get whatever i want within that limit.

i can't even tell you how long it's been since my last shopping spree, so not only do i have pure joy in a pair of jeans, but now i get to pick out some staples (tank tops and t-shirts) that will last me all the way through pregnancy and even beyond.

it's amazing what new clothes that fit great and are comfortable to boot will do for a girl's self-esteem. :)