honestly, i have no good reason to be worried. but on the chat forums at bump.com, i see so many stories of miscarriages, and i hear of "silent miscarriages" - where there are no symptoms, and even though i know that on the grand scale of all the women who get pregnant, that miscarriages are uncommon, and silent miscarriages are extremely rare (or so i've heard), i still can't help but worry... i figure once i'm out of the first trimester, i'll be able to relax a little more, knowing that my chances of miscarrying will have significantly dropped, and once i can actually feel the baby move, i'm sure i'll be so much more relieved.
i almost wish i had an at home ultrasound machine so i could just check everyday and make sure that everything is safe and sound.
i know there are doppler machines i can get to hear the baby's heartbeat, but those can get expensive, and they still can't pick up a heartbeat early on in the pregnancy.
and the closer it gets to 3:30, the more anxious i get.... what if something has gone wrong? would i be able to cope? would i blame myself? would this mean it'll be more difficult to conceive the next time around?
i don't know if i'm just getting in good practice at the worrying-mother stereotype, or what, but ultimately, i wish i could just let these worries go and trust that no matter what happens, God knows what He's doing...
it's such a weird dichotomy to be a part of. on the one hand, i have almost total control of which foods, drinks, chemicals, vitamins, etc. that i decided whether or not to expose to my unborn child. but on the other hand, i have no control over the physical make-up of this child and the genetic factors that could cause a miscarriage or allow me to have a completely healthy pregnancy, birth, and child... and i'm not sure how to make peace between the two, especially if i do everything right, but it all goes wrong in the end.
i knew parenting would be difficult, but i didn't think it would start so soon. :\