if i only had a brain?

sometimes - like, oh, say at 5 in the frikkin' morning when i've been wide awake since milo woke up at 2:30 am, but has been sound asleep for 2 hours now - i wish my head were filled with straw instead of brains.

i think too much. or perhaps i'm not getting enough intellectual/creative stimulation during the day?

who knows, but either way, for the past two nights, milo has been waking up after 6 hours of sleep instead of the 8 hours of sleep that he had done the previous three nights in a row... maybe it was just a fluke, maybe this is just a fluke, i have no idea which it's gonna be.

regardless, i was excited, relieved and loving the 8 hour version of his sleep schedule, and a little perturbed by his return to the 6 hour version. total, he still gets close to 10 hours of sleep at night, so it's really not so bad except that this time, or these past two nights at least, i'm now wide awake and short of over the counter sleep aids or shots of strong liquor (both of which i'm avoiding, as i don't want to be dependent on drugs to be able to sleep), there's nothing i can do to shut off my brain...

my thoughts have started to feel like a whiney, pestilent, obnoxious child.... i try to ignore them. i try to think of things that are calming, i try to pray, i try reading in the bathtub (in a hot bath, of course... it would be silly to simply sit in a bathtub reading at 3 in the morning), i try imagining myself in a pillowy field of soft, white dandelions, beautiful blue sky, and milo with a very loving and well equipped babysitter (that's the key to that fantasy, really)...

but it's not too long into any of these methods that another thought, a distracting, engaging, rabbit-hole thought pops into my head. i forget that i'm trying to fall asleep, and i start following the thought. it could be a previous conversation that i'm replaying in my head, or anticipating future conversations with people over things that will probably never even come up - like should i skip MOPS tomorrow since i have the "baby and me" class, too, and i'm already lacking in sleep, and perhaps milo will want to sleep from 8-10 (doubtful, but a girl can dream... maybe...)

oh glory, and my thoughts ramble on worse than i do...

the scarecrow wished for a brain...

it's now 5:20, and i'm wishing for straw :\