Friday, August 6, 2010

a brief intermission...

from my ridiculously long-winded accounts of moving from and living in what i am convinced is the windiest place on earth... i have matters fitting for a baby update - although i can make no guarantee that this one won't also be ridiculously long-winded, but here goes:

last night ben and i started a six week perinatal education course at the mayo clinic. it's very informative, and i'm entirely excited for these courses. i want to be as prepared as i can possibly be for squirting out this kid, and we all know that knowledge is power, so there ya go.

it was fun to meet other couples expecting around the same time, and two of them are going to the same doctor that i'll be seeing at the end of august, so i was able to relieve my worries there by finding out a little bit more about this new stranger who will be so thoroughly involved with the inner-workings of my body. here's what i found out: she's easy to get along with, has a great sense of humor, and snorts when she laughs. this is highly encouraging to me, as i know i will need someone upbeat and cheery when i'm screaming from the ends of my hair follicles right down through to the tips of my toes.

(not that i anticipate being that vocal during delivery, but having never done this before, i'm really not sure just how i'll react, and as i said before, i want to be prepared for everything. maybe this is my calling to be a den mother for boy scouts - isn't that their motto, "always prepared" - or something to that effect?)

meanwhile, i'm noticing more and more movement from little mushroom. mostly i think because i'm not as active as i was back in wyoming - i'm not working, and there's not a lot that needs to be done around here (unlike the moving/cleaning/etc. i was up to my nose in right before we moved).

ben and i have come to the conclusion that when i'm moving around, the baby is probably comforted, like a rocking or swaying sensation, and thus content to curl up and rest. but when i'm sitting/laying down and not moving much at all, that's when i feel baby the most, so he or she is probably bored and moving around for funsies?

it's nice to feel baby more, but i still have a hard time feeling pregnant, or honestly believing that there really is a baby in there...

i think part of my disbelief is i still fear that something will go horribly wrong, and so until i have this baby in my arms, i'm afraid to fully believe it. when ben and i were getting married, i was able to dive head first into excitement, because i knew he was/is a man of his word, that he loves me, and that he wasn't going to back out at the last minute. i knew that even if all the details didn't go as planned, it wouldn't stop us from getting married. sure, something beyond mine or ben's control could have happened to him (or me) that would have drastically affected our ability to get married (like some horribly fatal accident), but i was able to not worry and trust that come june 16th, 2007, i would become mrs. ben's wife. and i did. (much to my continued joy and excitement.)

but with this baby, i feel like there's more opportunity for something to go horribly, drastically, fatally wrong. i could do everything right, but if my body is physically flawed, or i get into an accident, or who knows, and we could lose this baby. that terrifies me. i'm having a much harder time trusting. i do okay at not thinking about it for most of the time, but that nagging little fear is prowling in the back of my mind, and it's hard to let go. i'm afraid if i let it off the leash to try to send it away, it'll just take over, running rampant through all my thoughts instead of just some of them.

i think that's why i've been having dreams about ben leaving. just last night i dreamt that he left me because of the stress of some spy job we were on, and he felt that i was just using him. and i've had similar dreams before of him leaving or dying or just not being there... i wake up feeling anxious and distressed. these dreams are so devastating to me, and they leave me feeling clingy and needy, wanting to call to ben, drive to his work and visit him the moment i wake up, just so i can see him and know that these dreams are completely insubstantial.

and that's how i feel with this growing little offspring still inside of me. except i have no track record to comfort me. with ben and these dreams, i'm able to look back at our life together, at what reality has proven, and know that these dreams are entirely untrue. but with this baby, i know i need to have complete faith that everything will work out how it's supposed to, how God intends it too. and i guess that's what faith really is, right? believing something for the best even though you have no concrete evidence to support it.

time to put on some george michael's "gotta have faith" and totally ignore the amorous overtones and lyrical subject matter? why not.

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