Tuesday, June 15, 2010

updates all around...

movement: i believe it was monday, june 7th, that i felt the first "could this be it? is it really? has the moment finally arrived???" flutter. i was in the shower reaching for something, and it felt like air bubbles tingling in my stomach. and then that night, as i was trying (rather unsuccessfully) to fall asleep, i was sure that i felt a poke, like an elbow or a fist? but i can't be sure of either of these, because, while i still think i might be feeling movement every now and then, it's so sparse and random and few in occurrence that i have very little to go by. it could very well just be gas, but i've heard that women often confuse the first few movements for gas, and i'm not even sure what gas feels like - only what it sounds and smells like... woops! tmi? :P so anyhow, i figured, i might as well take it as the first few movements and enjoy it. i just wish our little mushroom would start moving more and more pronouncedly that i could be sure it is in fact what i'm feeling. ben keeps asking when he'll be able to feel movement. i wish i had an answer for him.

love and marriage: ben and i will be married for 3 years tomorrow. just as it's still inconceivable to me (at least to some degree) that there's a baby in me, that tiny little DNA combo of ben and myself just swimming around in amniotic fluid surrounded by Helga and organs and tissue and hip bones and whatever else my body consists of... it's still hard to believe that i'm married and to someone who i find so perfectly wonderful, he still makes my heart flutter (and with much more certainty than baby's possible flutters that i think i'm feeling as of late). when i was a little girl, i didn't dream about being a doctor or a chef or even a barista or artist, or any profession really. (there was a brief moment where i wanted to be a school bus driver. i'm not sure how long it lasted - a few days maybe? but it ended abruptly when i found a very creepy, evilly ginormous, white spider in my playschool toy bus... i think my hatred for spiders started there too.) what i dreamt about most as a little girl was being a wife and mother.

to be living that dream, as simple as it is, i still find it hard to believe, but i thank God every day for ben, and for the baby in my belly (and continue to pray that this baby keeps growing stronger and healthier each day, arriving safe and sound in october).

employment: sadly, however, my days as a barista are coming to an end (probably not permanently, but at least for now). on friday i had to give my two weeks' notice to my boss of the coffee shop i've been working at since november. she was so understanding and supportive, but it's still frustrating to not be able to do a job that i love and once did so easily. in some regards, i feel like i'm admitting defeat. but the fact of the matter is that these changes in my body have made it painfully difficult to work 20+ hours on my feet, with side-effects of brain loss (or so it seems) and exhaustion. i can barely live up to the requirements of the job, and in consulting with my doctor and nurses, it will only get more difficult and painful (back aches, sciatica, muscle tearing, round ligament pain, etc.), especially if i'm on my feet for all that time.

thankfully, the wine shop next door to us (literally no more than 20 feet away door-to-door) was hiring, and i was able to gain employment with them once i've finished at the coffee shop. i'll be able to sit a lot more, and even when it's busy, i can't imagine it will be the same level of stress or intensity as a crowd of caffeine-crazed customers anxiously awaiting their drug of choice.

other: my next check-up with baby is two weeks from tomorrow. and in addition to mine and ben's anniversary tomorrow, i will be 5 months along, with only 4 months to the day left to go (but as always, that's if baby shows up on his or her due date...)

and i'm so very excited to meet this little one. the fear of birth has been melting away as the excitement grows... although if i get to thinking about it too much, i'm still not looking forward to the physical implications of bringing a baby into the world (and out of my womb), but i believe i'm coming to terms with it.

(and that's all i've got for now...)

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